10 Things You Probably Have to be Thankful For

If you have said or thought any of the following things in the last 24 hours, you should read this post:

A. Ugh, I have to go to work today.

B. Ugh, there's no wifi here.

C. Ugh, this food tastes terrible.

If you're a word enthusiast like me—or even if you're not—you're probably wondering, "Does the title mean '10 things I SHOULD be Thankful for' or '10 things I OWN that I can be Thankful for'?" I meant both. Don't hurt yourself.

Albert Einstein once said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Or, as I'm going to paraphrase him: "There are only two ways to live your life: one—taking everything for granted, or two—taking nothing for granted."

And without further ado, I present to you, 10 things you probably have to be thankful for:

1. When you're hungry, you can get off your cushiony Sitting Device in the room designed just to sit in and walk into an adjoining room built for the sole purpose of containing sustenance. Then you can open the magic Sustenance Box, and a light comes on to illuminate your choices. Then you can remove some sustenance, put it in a Zapping Machine, and it will automatically warm up for you.

2. When you have to relieve yourself, you can step into a clean, private little room and sit on a white Porcelain Throne. You can use special soft paper conveniently stored on a roll next to the Porcelain Throne. Then you can gleefully pull the lever, and the waste swirls down through the floor and into the earth. DOWN INTO THE EARTH.

3. If you miss someone, you can pick up this mystical Talking Device and push some buttons. Then you can throw your voice through it and speak to someone, even if he or she is on the other side of the world.

4. If you get bored of your own life, you can take a flat, Shiny Doughnut and put it into a Shiny Doughnut Box. Then you can watch other people's lives—with special effects, background music, and trite dialogue—on a black square right in the comfort of your Sitting Room.

5. If you want to continue hating your life or participating in activities—either necessary or pointless—after dark, you can flick the magic switch on a Light Machine, and Thomas Edison's brainchild will spring to life, illuminating your Sitting Room.

6. If you want to go somewhere farther than a few miles away, you can step into Four-wheeled Box and speed 70 mph or faster to your destination. And this is considered normal.

7. If you get tired, you can walk upstairs to the room specifically designated for holding all the stuff you never use and lie down on the big, cushy Sleep Rectangle that literally only exists for you to sleep on—even though you also use it to hold clothes, your guitar, and 17 stuffed animals.

8. If you need to know something—anything—you can look at an Electrical Information Box or a Paper Rectangle and examine 26 random little shapes and understand what they mean. You can learn almost anything in this way. Because you are educated.

9. You can keep trying to do anything you want to do for as long as you want because there is no limitation on how many times you are allowed to fail. You can change your mind and do something else. You can waste your life or not. It's really up to you.

10. If you feel like talking to the God of the universe, you can just do it right now, no matter where you are. No long-distance fee, and no age, race, or occupation restrictions.

I do not believe in belittling people's struggles. I mean, I really hate it when people talk during the movie at the theater. I hate it when parents let their children scream in the library. I'm 23 years old, and I still hate waking up before 9 a.m. We all have our little pet peeves. I just wanted to remind you that you have a lot to be thankful for, just like me.

The Real Meaning Behind 5 Slang Terms You Hear All the Time

Ever wonder where those strange words and phrases that kids are using these days came from? I don't have time to explain all of them, but hopefully this will help you out.


1. _______, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Go to work, they said. It will be fun, they said. You've all heard it, but you have no idea where it came from.

Several years ago, an anonymous writer associated with DreamWorks wrote a script for an animated movie about three penguins who sojourn from the South Pole to the North Pole because they do not believe that no penguins live on the other side of the earth. The sidekick character, Penelope Penguin, will not do anything unless she is certain it will be fun. Therefore, the other two penguins spend most of the movie telling her things like, "Come to the North Pole with us. It will be fun!" When the activities they suggest later cause the dark night of the soul moment near the conclusion of the film when Penelope is hanging over a volcano and she has an existential crisis, she says things like, "Go on a road trip with us, they said. It will be fun, they said."

Unfortunately, the movie was never produced. I'm not sure why. I thought it sounded interesting.


2. YOLO.

"Yolo!" the young whippersnapper shouts as he walks into the classroom to take the test he did not study for. Why does he say this? I'll tell you.

It all began with an elementary school-aged child who spent most of his time begging on the streets in New York City. He didn't have many clothes to wear, and the rags he had resembled pirate clothes. He became known as the Pirate. No one knew where his parents were, and he never attended school, so he didn't speak very well. In fact, the only word he ever said was, "Yo-ho." Whenever he said it, people began singing, "Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me!" Then they'd laugh and throw a few coins into his jar.

The kid did not respond as expected, however. Instead of expressing gratitude for their generosity, he became more and more frustrated, yelling, "YO-HO! YO-HO!" One day he totally lost it and attacked someone on the street. Then he was taken into custody. After years of therapy paid for by a wealthy benefactor, it was discovered that the only thing the poor chap wanted was a yo-yo, but he didn't know how to pronounce it.

Today we use "YOLO" before doing something crazy because poor little Pip yelled it one last time before beating a random passerby with a moldy sandwich.


3. Much ______. So ______. Very wow.

This one began when one of Miley Cyrus's best friends tried to start her own line of clothing. She originally got some funding because of her status as Miley's bestie. But when her fashion consultant tried to ask her about her vision for the clothing line, everything went downhill. She pushed her purple hair behind one ear and clear her throat. "I'm thinking, like, much artfully. And so sparkles. Just, like, very wow." Unfortunately, her command of the English language left something to be desired. But the fashion consultant wrote about the experience on her blog, popularizing the alterable saying and pairing it with a picture of her strangely expressive dog, which was only overly expressive because it had just tasted Taco Bell for the first time.


4. Cray.

Perhaps the most commonly used in this list, cray has actually been around the longest. Back when the Pilgrims first landed in Eastern Kentucky, the untouched areas around the beautifully green rivers seemed to smell of promise. But when the settlers tried to harvest the gold they heard was hidden there, they instead encountered impossibly ginormous lobster-like creatures known only as crayfish. They were close to five feet long and absolutely vicious. When the brave first four settlers ventured too close to the river, the crayfish mercilessly devoured three of them, leaving the fourth one traumatized and only able to utter a single word: "cray."

That, my friends, is why people say "cray" when something is, like, totally out of control.

5. I can't even.

This term began as a simple way to express a complex process of mathematics used only in Scandinavian Derivatives. The Norwegians have invented an entire number system (known as Absolute Negation Rationalization) that operates without acknowledging the existence of "0," the only number that is neither even nor odd. Mathematicians use this phrase to explain to students the necessity to utilize that system.

Unfortunately, Americans have begun using it to explain utter shock, horror, or disbelief of various circumstances, usually resulting from a lack of better words to describe the gravity of the situation.

I hope this list was helpful to you. Especially if you had trouble connecting with the younger folks, this should make you feel really relevant. Who knows, one of the young chaps might be unaware of the origins of these handy phrases. Why not share one of these stories? You'll probably impress those Millennials with your extensive knowledge about what is hip and awesome.

10 Things my 19th Year of School Taught Me

I realized the other day that if I count preschool, kindergarten, 1st-12th grade, four years of college, and one year of grad school, then I have been in school for NINETEEN consecutive years. That means next year will be my 20th year. It may also be my last school year—or, at least, my last consecutive year—depending on if/when I decide to get a Ph.D. My 19th year of school taught me some really important things. I thought I'd share them with you.

1. Sometimes your car battery will die in a McDonald's parking lot when you're supposed to go to a doctor's appointment. Then, because you don't know where the doctor's office is, you'll have to run there using the GPS as a guide. Then later you'll have to wait 2 hours for AAA to save you. But it's nice when a friend shows up to wait with you. :)

2. Living in an apartment is cool and stuff, but you can't have many pets. So it's a really good idea to get a Betta fish. First of all, they live forever. (Mine has been alive for over seven months.) Second, they don't mind if you name them after a famous communication scholar. (Mine is named Judee K. Burgoon). Third, they can survive a 13-hour road trip inside a water bottle. (Twice.)

3. It's all fun and games until your professor falls out of his chair onto the floor in the middle of class, and you have to try really hard not to laugh.

4. Katie (my sister) is a really fun roommate. If I'm ever sad, she can ALWAYS make me laugh. We can talk about anything. And I can always count on her!

5. Sometimes you enter a contest to win Casting Crowns concert tickets and somehow know you're going to win. Then you win and go to the concert.

6. Grad school research proposals are surprisingly similar to science fair. If you went to high school with me or ever did science fair, you'll know what I'm talking about. Background research paper, question, hypothesis, experiment, results, etc.? Yeah, that's kind of like introduction, literature review, methods, results, conclusion. Just when I thought I was done with science fair, I, like, wasn't. Life is weird that way.

7. "Grown-ups" don't know what they're doing, either. Although older people can advise you because they've been where you've been, they're still experiencing stages of life for the first time, too. Everyone feels inadequate sometimes, and a lot of people really are just making it up as they go along. It's easier if you're a Christian, though, because you can search for God's purpose in your life rather than just feeling lost all the time.

8. A 25-minute commute is a great opportunity to pray or learn every single song on the radio.

9. It is pretty easy to read two to three hundred pages in a week. Reading the equivalent of a novel every seven days seemed crazy at first, but now those 20-page reading assignments I got in undergrad just seem ridiculous. I think I learned to read faster. I also think about 12.7% of my brain is comprised of information about scholarly communication articles now.

10. Post-grad can be really cool. Just because I'm done with college doesn't mean I have to be boring. I mean, my boss laughs at my stupid jokes. Road trips are still the bomb-diggity. Sometimes I stay up until 4 a.m. Sometimes I eat ice cream for dinner. And tax returns are awesome. That, too.

Bring it on, 20th year of school!