Saturday, August 9, 2014

10 Things You Probably Have to be Thankful For

If you have said or thought any of the following things in the last 24 hours, you should read this post:

A. Ugh, I have to go to work today.
B. Ugh, there's no wifi here.
C. Ugh, this food tastes terrible.

If you're a word enthusiast like me—or even if you're not—you're probably wondering, "Does the title mean '10 things I SHOULD be Thankful for' or '10 things I OWN that I can be Thankful for'?" I meant both. Don't hurt yourself.

Albert Einstein once said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Or, as I'm going to paraphrase him: "There are only two ways to live your life: one—taking everything for granted, or two—taking nothing for granted."

And without further ado, I present to you, 10 things you probably have to be thankful for:

1. When you're hungry, you can get off your cushiony Sitting Device in the room designed just to sit in and walk into an adjoining room built for the sole purpose of containing sustenance. Then you can open the magic Sustenance Box, and a light comes on to illuminate your choices. Then you can remove some sustenance, put it in a Zapping Machine, and it will automatically warm up for you.

2. When you have to relieve yourself, you can step into a clean, private little room and sit on a white Porcelain Throne. You can use special soft paper conveniently stored on a roll next to the Porcelain Throne. Then you can gleefully pull the lever, and the waste swirls down through the floor and into the earth. DOWN INTO THE EARTH.

3. If you miss someone, you can pick up this mystical Talking Device and push some buttons. Then you can throw your voice through it and speak to someone, even if he or she is on the other side of the world.

4. If you get bored of your own life, you can take a flat, Shiny Doughnut and put it into a Shiny Doughnut Box. Then you can watch other people's lives—with special effects, background music, and trite dialogue—on a black square right in the comfort of your Sitting Room.

5. If you want to continue hating your life or participating in activities—either necessary or pointless—after dark, you can flick the magic switch on a Light Machine, and Thomas Edison's brainchild will spring to life, illuminating your Sitting Room.

6. If you want to go somewhere farther than a few miles away, you can step into Four-wheeled Box and speed 70 mph or faster to your destination. And this is considered normal.

7. If you get tired, you can walk upstairs to the room specifically designated for holding all the stuff you never use and lie down on the big, cushy Sleep Rectangle that literally only exists for you to sleep on—even though you also use it to hold clothes, your guitar, and 17 stuffed animals.

8. If you need to know something—anything—you can look at an Electrical Information Box or a Paper Rectangle and examine 26 random little shapes and understand what they mean. You can learn almost anything in this way. Because you are educated.

9. You can keep trying to do anything you want to do for as long as you want because there is no limitation on how many times you are allowed to fail. You can change your mind and do something else. You can waste your life or not. It's really up to you.

10. If you feel like talking to the God of the universe, you can just do it right now, no matter where you are. No long-distance fee, and no age, race, or occupation restrictions.

I do not believe in belittling people's struggles. I mean, I really hate it when people talk during the movie at the theater. I hate it when parents let their children scream in the library. I'm 23 years old, and I still hate waking up before 9 a.m. We all have our little pet peeves. I just wanted to remind you that you have a lot to be thankful for, just like me.

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