Thursday, February 2, 2017

Things We Would Never Know Without Facebook

Before I close my eyes for the last time to go to sleep at the end of a long day, I'm usually squinting at my favorite blue and white website, Facebook. It's the supreme source of knowledge I always wanted as a child. (Facebook didn't even exist until I was in high school, I think.) We all love Facebook. Why? Because our lives would be so sadly misinformed without it. We'd know so little. We'd miss so much.

Without further ado, take note of what we'd never know if we didn't have Facebook:

1. What Brittany ate for lunch.
You know Brittany. She's always trying some new diet, and this week it's probably the "I don't eat anything with a face" diet that unfortunately not only means no chicken but also no Teddy Grahams. But what exactly did she eat today? We'd never know without Facebook.

Brittany: "Just had spinach grilled over oiled peach pits with a petrified sweet potato and eight and one half green beans. This new diet is so rad."

Praise be to God for Facebook.

2. How much Ian and Sharon love each other.
They've been dating for eight years, but that doesn't stop them from posting a picture on Facebook every time they leave the house together.

Ian: "Oh, you know, just going to the podiatrist with my WOMAN CRUSH WEDNESDAY FOREVER! I <3 you, baby, thank you for supporting me through my difficult time with this foot fungus."

Sharon: "Ian bought be flowers for our 2,975th day together. He knew that was my favorite number. He's soooo super duper cute and I love him to the moon and back and then, like, to the moon again!"

Thanks, Facebook.

3. What freshman liberal arts major Brenden thinks about politics.
Brenden has been to college. That's right. That means he's educated, and he's about to share all of his inconceivably intelligent opinions with you, and, like, blow your poor inadequate brain out of your head.

Brenden: "That giant pumpkin doesn't know anything about foreign policy. If he just read the Huffington Post like I do, he'd know the best way to spread world peace is to put all of the guns into a spaceship and send them to space and then blow them up so people can't shoot each other anymore. Then we can just open more money factories to create jobs, and print extra money for all the people who don't have enough."

Wow, Brenden, I wish I'd thought of that. If only I were 19 again. Then perhaps I'd know everything like you.

4. Where Sheila went on vacation.
Sheila doesn't seem to have a job. You'll be sitting in your cubicle scrolling through spreadsheets and trying not to hyperventilate when you decide to check Facebook. Then there's a picture of Sheila scaling a pyramid in Egypt. Is Sheila even allowed to do that? Since when do they let you climb the pyramids?

Sheila: "Does anyone have suggestions for where I should go for my next vacation? Not somewhere typical. I've already been to all the average spots like Iceland, Paris, Australia, Alaska, Sweden, India, Pluto, the Bahamas and every single country in Africa. And my budget is only $47,000 for the three weeks I'll be gone, so keep that in mind."


5. How terrible Bob's boss is.
You know what's worse than unemployment? Having a job. At least, according to Bob. He has the worst boss EVER, if his constant whiny Facebook statuses are any indication. Doesn't he know that companies check social media now? How has he been posting about his boss's halitosis and toupee for four years and still not gotten fired?

Bob: "Today my boss told me I'm working 114 hours this week. He's such a loser. And you know what else? He has a toupee. And he's 28. Beginning to suspect the eyebrows are fake, too."

Bob: "My boss ate all the donuts. Like, he literally brought in three dozen, called us all in for a meeting, and then the whole meeting was just sitting there and watching him eat all 36 donuts. THIRTY-SIX donuts. What did I do to deserve this hell?"

Bob, you were designed for another world.

6. What Spencer did at the gym.
Spencer lives at the gym and occasionally goes home to sleep for four hours, guzzle 11 raw eggs and feed his pet bull dog. He literally can only wear cutoffs because no shirt in existence has big enough arm holes to, you know, fit his arms through.

Spencer: "Just beat my pr (personal record, for anypeoples who dunno) for the third time this week. Eight-two reps with the 450 pound weight using only my thumbs."

Spencer: "I'm like the Michael Phelps of weight lifting. I just lift things instead of swimming because I don't want to drown. I've heard that swimming is hard. #GuysWhoLift #GymRat #Gymdays #HelloLadies"

I couldn't possibly make an exhaustive list. We simply have too much to be thankful for to properly express in one post. So let me just say on behalf of all of us: Thank you, Facebook. Thank you.

No comments:

Post a Comment