It's happened to you. OR it has ALMOST happened to you. You're sitting there at 11:30 p.m. wearing sweatpants and an ugly T-shirt, haphazardly feeding yourself Cheez-its with your left hand while your right hand scrolls through facebook. Then you see them. The WRONG-PEOPLE. One of your friends has shared a link or posted a passionate status asserting an absolutely ludicrous opinion about some political, economical, social, or elliptical topic. You weren't going to say anything. But then you did. You just couldn't help it because they were so WRONG. Never fear. Here are five easy ways to win any facebook argument. Because it is definitely possible to win an argument on facebook.
1. Pretend you're going to be civil. Everyone knows you're eventually going to explode into cruel soliloquies, spewing hateful statements at your fellow facebookers—even if the discussion was just about the best kind of shoelaces—but at least make them feel, in the beginning, that you're going to be nice. You know, give them a false sense of your kindness and morals. Say something like: "Well, that's an interesting opinion, but..." Or, "Wow, I like the font you used in that facebook status." Then, lambaste them!
2. Attack their character, actions, and appearance. The most legitimate way to win any discussion is to tear down the people who oppose you. Make sure you curse a lot. Then they'll know that you're mature and mean business. Be sure to call them lots of names. For example, call them sexist, racist, everything-phobic, and stupid. Say: "I'll bet Santa Clause won't even bring you coal because your arguments are so lame!" Post pictures of them with a mustache that you photoshopped over their face. That is super original and will definitely help your case. As an extra bonus, personally message them as many hateful things you can think of. Forget the fact that it's the Internet, and they could totally screen shot it and send it to your mother/employer/principal.
3. Use improper grammar. Especially because you probably don't have anything worthwhile to say anyway, you should make sure it's super vague. The best way to do that is to use woefully incorrect grammar. Spell things incorrectly, especially if doing so could cause someone to mistake one word for another. Don't use commas; rambling run-ons make it sound like you're ranting! People will view you as a talented rabble-rouser, standing on your proverbial soap box in the midst of the crowd, talking down all who disagree with you. Don't use contractions, capitalization, or wording that makes sense. Word vomit! Go you.
4. Most important of all: make stupid arguments that don't educate, inspire, or make sense. Just repeat trite statements that you've heard before, especially if they don't apply. You get bonus points if you can argue with someone about something they aren't even arguing about. Extra bonus points if you get angry about it because you can't read plain English. Just make it clear that you couldn't write a passing argument essay in English 101 if the lives of all nine of your cats depended on it.
5. Ignore all of these rules and instead engage people in conversation in person. But this is hard. I know. One, because most people do not talk about these things in person. Two, because some people are too cowardly to disagree face to face and instead hide behind their social media sites and squabble using their hideously bad grammar. And three, because so many people are wrong on social media, and some of them are strangers. But remember, no matter how smart you are, you can never convince a dumb person that he is dumb. (So stop trying to convince me. It won't work.)
So there you have it. Go forth and act like mature adults on facebook! I know you can do it! (If you cannot tell that this is satire, then you should probably stay in school. If you can't tell that I'm also making fun of myself—because I, too, occasionally debate on facebook—then I suppose we cannot be friends because you do not understand sarcasm.)