11 Things You Should be Doing If You're Single

Every article on the Internet is trying to tell me what to do. Because I'm a woman. Or because I'm a Christian. Or because I'm white. Or because I'm a millennial. Or because I'm a college graduate. Or because I'm American. Or because I'm single. "Here are 10 Things You Should be Doing If You're ______." It's "advice," but it's not usually based on anything substantial, like scientific evidence, the Bible, or valuable—applicable—life experience. Frankly, most of it is just a bunch of cliche poppycock. Either I'm already aware of it or think it's total bologna. Without further ado, I present to you, "11 Things You Should be Doing if You're Single." Brought to you by someone with only 23 years of experience, no relevant degrees, and a snarky attitude.

1. Stop trying to figure out what's wrong with you. Leave that to the experts.

2. Stop looking! Everyone over the age of 40 who is married will tell you that. When you stop looking for a significant other, one will find you! Of course, this principle also applies to finding a job. If you just sit on your couch watching Netflix for at least 11 hours per day, the CEO of Google will undoubtedly kick your front door down and offer you a full-time job at the company.

3. Work harder at work, take a weekend trip, or start a new hobby—like printmaking or pinecone collecting or duck hunting! Anything to trick yourself into believing there's more to life than having a significant other. (Wait, there actually is? What is this chicanery...?)

4. Reconnect with old friends. Because nothing is more helpful than spending time with your best friend from college who is married to a brain surgeon and lives in a house the size of your apartment complex.

5. Cut and dye your hair the way you want. Wear what you want. Eat what you want. Now you don't have to worry about what your significant other will think of you! (Or, you know, don't date a man who is actually stupid enough to tell you he wants you to change your hair or stop eating pizza.)

6. Make up a really great excuse for being single. Such as: "I'm going to avoid the dating scene for 2 years. Or, you know, however long it takes me to find another boyfriend." Or: "I'm trying to find myself." Or just be honest: "I'm a terrible human being that no one can tolerate."

7. Eat ice cream straight out of the carton, laugh like no one can hear you, and dance like no one's watching. Or however that stupid saying goes. Because that will definitely help!

8. Join Christian Mingle. This requires no explanation.

9. Buy yourself flowers. (Yes, one "advice" article literally listed this one.) Then tell everyone at the office it was your "secret admirer."

10. Change your own lightbulbs. Prove that you don't need a man to take care of your around-the-house tasks. (Again, this was literally published in an "advice" column about what to do if you're single.) WATCH OUT, WORLD! I CAN CHANGE MY OWN LIGHTBULBS, SO I CAN OBVIOUSLY HANDLE BEING SINGLE.

11. Call your mom and ask her to tell you what's wrong with you. (She will know.)

Note: I wrote this for my own entertainment, so don't argue with me about my "advice." I'm not a licensed professional, so you should ask your doctor before you implement any of these things into your life.