Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Green Eggs and Hobbits

I have decided to announce my opinion about the new movie The Hobbit, since being a blogger automatically makes me an expert on movies. Besides, you all have probably lost sleep for weeks wondering what I thought about it. Well, suffer from insomnia no more.

I'll begin with a little rhyme I made up myself:

"I do not like orcs, Samwise Gamgee. I do not like them, Sam I am."

Sam wasn't even in The Hobbit. He should have been, though, because he was one of my favorite characters. I guess that wouldn't have made sense. Just forget it.

First of all, I should tell you I went to see The Hobbit in 3d 48 dpi. Oops, not dots-per-inch. I mean, 48 fpms, which means frames-per-milli-second. The movie moved so fast it totally boggled my mind. I mean, orcs were just jumping everywhere. And those flying, sled-pulling bunnies in real time? Mind. Blown. I felt like I could just reach out and stroke a dwarf's beard. But that would have been weird, so I didn't try.

Everyone got all histrionic over the 48 fpms. I wasn't impressed. I mean, whoever had time to take all those pictures should probably get a life. Also, since it was 3 a.m. before the movie ended, I felt like my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head.

You remember that movie The Artist? The one with no audible dialogue? They kinda went backward in the whole technology thing by taking out all the sound. This retro movie trend is really in, you know? I heard for the next Hobbit movie they're going to go for the opposite effect of the 48 fpms. How? One word: slideshow. Instead of 48 frames-per-milli-second, they're going to have 48 frames per minute. It will be like watching it in stop motion. HOW COOL IS THAT?

Second, I'd like to point out the biggest mistake of the whole movie. They really rushed the part when the dwarves showed up at Bilbo's house. I mean, Peter Jackson might as well have just cut the whole thing out if he wasn't going to do it right. I felt like I hardly knew the dwarves. That scene was only 40 minutes long... I expected it to take at least half the movie. I mean, where were the personal interviews with each one? Why didn't it show the part where Bilbo goes on Google to do unofficial background checks on all of them? That was my favorite part of the book.

Third, I'd like to be the first to predict the lawsuit. George Orwell...Washington...Mason...Clooney... GEORGE LUCAS is going to freak out. I mean, who is Peter Jackson to just snatch a character from Star Wars and plop him in his film? That 'Orc Leader' guy was totally Jaba the Hut. Looked like him, sounded like him, WAS him. I felt like standing up in the theater and yelling, "WATCH OUT FOR THE TRAP DOOR, BILBO! LISTEN TO C3PO!"

Fourth, the movie was really racist. Whatever happened to the bad guys being Russian or something? They made the evil orc guy Albino. That's not even funny... I am 1/8 Albinoan. I'm proud of my heritage. We Albinoans hate the sun and worship golden idols shaped like bottles of sunblock. None of my ancestors said anything about a grudge against dwarves. If Peter Jackson is going to be a hater, he might as well at least be historically accurate.

Fifth, who do they think they are making The Hobbit into three movies? Lord of the Rings was three books. Thus, it became three movies. The Hobbit was like 75 pages long. So, the first movie was like the introduction. They had to ADD IN parts to a perfectly good story to pull it off. Why? Because they want more money! They had to manipulate Tolkien's masterpiece to create an unnatural story arc so the introduction of the story could have a beginning, middle, and end. It makes my stomach turn.

All the other movie makers want to be awesome and successful like Peter Jackson. So 35-year-old director Ichabod Herbert MacIntire is following Jackson's lead by taking Dr. Suess's beloved book and splitting into three parts. The three movies will be called: "Part 1: Green Eggs," "Part 2: And," and "Part 3: Ham." WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? How can all of those parts have enough story? "And" is a coordinating conjunction, for crying out loud.

Speculating film enthusiasts say Part 1: Green Eggs will be a far-reaching background piece about the chicken who gave birth to the green eggs. Why were the eggs green? What did that mean? Did his mother think that would affect their adolescent years? Then: WHO was the heartless farmer who snatched her unhatched offspring from the cradle? Part of the film will be a psychological thriller about the farmer's motives and what influenced his decisions.

DO YOU SEE WHAT A DISASTER THIS IS? Peter Jackson needs to think about his impact on the world around him. Poor Ichabod Herbert MacIntire never had a chance as a director.

You know what I think? The second Hobbit movie (Part 2: The Journey Unexpected Continues) and the third Dr. Seuss revisitation (Part 3: Ham) should be combined. The whole movie could be about Bilbo's discovery that green eggs and ham make an excellent second breakfast. Then we can spend the rest of the movie watching him eat his meal in 48 frames per minute. 

Basically, I thought The Hobbit was fantastically mediocre.

(Disclaimer: I don't actually worship golden idols shaped like sunblock. Not usually, anyway.)

No comments:

Post a Comment