How to Defeat Job Interviews in Five Easy Steps

This is it. It's the big day: THE company of your dreams has called and asked you to come in for an interview. You've crafted a spectacular resume and written a cover letter that could make Mark Zuckerburg cry. But that was child's play. Now the real game begins.

When you get the email about the job interview, it's 9:27, and you're sitting in the office at your current job. You wanted to quit this job because it requires you to sit in your desk chair at 8 a.m. sharp, put your head in a vice, and read things on a computer for 9 hours straight while someone comes around periodically to criticize you. Usually it's your boss, who often says, "Try not to blink. The average person has his eyes closed for 30 minutes per day because of blinking. I'm not paying you to sleep."

Make sure no one sees the email. Since you were stupid enough to ask a potential employer to send an email to a company computer, you'll need to destroy the evidence. Take the sledge hammer from underneath your desk and give the machine a good whack. Now let's hope you get the other job. You're going to get in trouble for taking your head out of that vice.

1. Before the interview, do your research.
The rule for lawyers is the same as the rule for job interviewees: never ask a question you don't already know the answer to. That's why you need to find out literally everything before going to the job interview. Find out your interviewee's sock size, zodiac sign, rental car history, St. Patrick's Day plans, and opinions on iguana breeding.

This is important because the first thing you need to do is establish trust. The day before the interview, call the interviewee from a blocked phone number and ask about the things listed above. If his or her answers match those from your research, you know you're dealing with an honest individual. If his or her answers do NOT match up, whisper, "You chose...poorly," hang up, and send a box of exploding sparkles to his house.

2. Make an entrance.

Do you remember that scene in Aladdin when he disguises himself as Prince Ali and shows up at Jasmine's palace with a parade, thousands of adoring fans, and every other pomp and circumstance you could possible think of? Picture that exact frame when the elephant upon which Aladdin sat just extends one thick leg and smashes open the palace door and the music is all like "Prince ALI HANDSOME IS HE, KING OF AL-BOB-WAHHHH!"

Then picture the flabbergasted look on Jafar's face. That. That's what you want your interviewers to feel: pure, unadulterated awe.

Come in. Shake their hands like you are Alexander the Great. Smile like you are about to install a gum ball machine in your kitchen. Then sit down. The world is your oyster.

3. Know how to answer the difficult questions.

The following are just a few of the tricky questions you might encounter during your interview. Be sure to memorize one of these convenient canned answers to "wow" your interviewer.

Interviewer: "Well, I think that's all the questions we have for you. Is there anything you'd like to ask before we finish up?"
Your answer: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Interviewer: "Why do you think you're a viable candidate for this job?"
Your answer: "I'm Batman."

Interviewer: "Well, I think that's all the questions we have for you. Is there anything you'd like to ask before we finish up?"
Your answer: "Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?"

Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Your answer: "Doing your job."

Interviewer: "Well, I think that's all the questions we have for you. Is there anything you'd like to ask before we finish up?"
Your answer: "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"

Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Your answer: "Probably in the mirror, just like I see myself now."

Interviewer: "Why do you think you're a viable candidate for this job?"
You answer: "I had assumed you'd have already read my resume. Would you like the book-on-tape version?"

Interviewer: "Well, I think that's all the questions we have for you. Is there anything you'd like to ask before we finish up?"
Your answer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Interviewer: "What are some of your most impressive skills?"
Your answer: "I once built my own pogo stick, and I do an excellent Gollum impression."

4. Make it clear you're the right person for the job.
Do you feel like the interview is going swimmingly? Or maybe you feel like you're ruining the whole thing. Either way, you need to make it clear exactly why no other candidate can measure up. Immediately after a question is asked—it doesn't matter what question—sit back in your chair and take hold of your suit jacket. Slowly move it to the side, displaying the 14 different kinds of cookies you sewed into little pockets on the inside. Silently hand one cookie to each interviewer and whisper, "There's more where that came from."

5. Write a hand-written thank you note after the interview.
When someone requires you to put on uncomfortable clothes you would never actually wear to work, subjects you to a 45-minute rapid-fire inquisition, and makes you too nervous to eat for two days, you should always send a thank you note. A hand written thank you note.

Not sure what to write? Try something like this:

Dear Mr. Jimmy Snibbler,
I greatly enjoyed our professional conversation a fortnight minus 12 days ago. I fully expect to hear from you again with positive news. If I don't, you can fully expect to never see your dog again.
Sincerely,
Me