Thursday, February 19, 2015

What if my Socks are Conspiring Against Me?

Occasionally I ask the people of Twitter to supply me with a blog post topic suggestion, but rarely does anyone actually give me an idea. But today, a tweeter asked, "What do you do when you keep losing one sock? It could be a metaphor."

My immediate response was: "You thank the Lord that you didn't lose both socks."

But I soon realized three major problems with my response. One, I didn't actually suggest any solutions for solving the problem. I basically recommended putting masking tape over a crack in a windshield. Two, I was insensitive. When you keep losing something you invested in (i.e. socks cost money and require brain power to purchase from Walmart), a snarky response just isn't what the doctor ordered. Three, I ignored the very important fact that it's a strong possibility that in many cases, she does lose both socks. Because one sock is not there to remind her that she lost the other one—yes, you are so smart; both socks are gone—she has probably lost multiple sets of socks without even realizing it.

If you have one sock, you can properly mourn the loss of the other. If you're particularly audacious, you can accept the disappearance of the left sock as permanent and use the right sock to clean the mysterious grey fuzz off your space heater. If both socks are missing, you probably won't even realize it. This begs the question: how many sets of socks have YOU lost? You will likely never know unless you find them again.

Other clothes don't just disappear. Yes, occasionally a rebellious sweater will vanish when you really wanted to wear it, but such frustration is probably your fault: you are the idiot who threw it in the laundry and never washed it. See, socks are what disappear. Socks. It's always the socks. And you know what we blame? The dryer. I've got news for you: it's not the dryer. You need to stop blaming it and accept the truth:

Your socks just don't like you.

Surprised? I was, too, when I finally realized it. They're just tired of dealing with your stinky, unwashed feet. They're tired of being walked on. They're tired of being unappreciated. Your socks hate you. The dryer doesn't "eat" them. Your socks run away. Most socks are pretty stupid, which is why usually only one escapes. The really smart ones escape in pairs, never to be seen again. The more brilliant ones make you forget you had them in the first place.

Doesn't it make you sad to think that you probably can't remember the best pair of socks you ever owned? Just don't let the people in your life be like socks.

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